I am the poster child for Type-A personality. I am organized to a tee. I need to be the leader, because, by default, I'm the only person who can do things the best way. (I'm sure you can do EVERYTHING better than me, but my brain has tricked me into thinking that). I am always looking for ways to plan my life. And while it hasn't exactly gone according to plan, I always have a general idea of how things will work out.
Go to college. Get a job. Get married. Have some kids. Die. Or something like that. I'm sure at some point in there I might have turned into an adult, but I still feel 19. So I DID go to college. I DID get a job. But no husband. And definitely no kids, and now I'm not sure I even want any of those.
I'll be 29 next month. And while that's cause for crisis all on its own, this year HAS NOT gone according to plan. I quit my full-time job in March. One that provided security, a good salary that gave me lots of extra money. But I was unhappy. VERY unhappy. And no amount of good job or lots of money could change that. I was unhappy, you see, because ALL I WANT TO DO IS WRITE.
The first plan was to move to New York City. I visited in March and though I was already in love with the city, I fell even more in love. Alas, that whole quitting job things left me with, like, no money, and as I'm sure you're all aware, New York City is très expensive. And not like, LIFE expensive, like GRANDIOSE expensive.
So I went to my parents' house for a couple months to try and formulate a plan. But I got there and instead of really making a plan, I wrote another book. It's called Say Anything. And while, at the time, it was first book out of four that I'd written that I had no confidence in, I've had the most positive feedback on it.
And after a couple months, I moved down to my sister's house in Charlotte. And for three months, I tried to make more life plans. I found a part time job that I liked well enough. It gave me time to write. A LOT of time to write. But I was living WITH MY SISTER. And her husband. And their two small kids. Who were noisy and didn't like to leave me alone.
But about three weeks ago I peeked into my bank account and I had one of those cartoon moments of eyes popping out of my head, jaw dropping to the floor. Here's the realization I came to: I HAD NO MONEY. And I needed to move out of my sister's house. But that requires rent money. AND I HAD NONE OF THAT.
So, after I spent a night drinking my sorrows away, I tucked my tail between my legs and called my parents, and very meekly asked if I could move into their basement. And like all good parents, they said "of course." My dad flew down to Charlotte, helped me pack my stuff in a truck, and moved me to Michigan.
So moving back in with my parents has LITERALLY been the hardest thing I've EVER done. I'm incredibly independent. My freshman year of college I left and waved goodbye, knowing I'd never return to my parents' house for more than school breaks. But ten years after leaving, I'm back. And I'm really not happy about it. Because I WANT to be living on my own. I WANT to be able to afford working part time and writing in all my spare time. But here's the truth: I CAN'T DO THAT.
But it's not so bad. Two years ago, probably even one year ago, I would NEVER have been able to do this. Never quit my job to move back with my parents. BUT I'm following a dream. And I've had more people tell me this year how much they admire me for taking the most giant leap of faith to follow my dreams.
The thing about chasing dreams is, IT'S REALLY HARD. But earlier this year, I came to the realization that if I don't do this now, I WILL regret it the REST of my life.
So I get to spend a lot of my time writing, while trying to find a job to pay at least my bills (if nothing else). I rely on Twitter for nearly ALL my social interactions right now, as I have basically NO friends in Michigan. And I live in my parents' basement.
I'm still querying. Still hoping one of those queries pans out. Because I put a lot of faith in the biggest change of my life. But despite how hard this has all been on me emotionally, I'm in a good place. I'm chasing my dreams.
I just hope I catch one soon.
